This blog is currently directed at all of you “total tops” who’s asses are a “one way street”. I am going to tell you a few secrets.

1. IT HURTS WHEN YOU JUST SHOVE YOUR FUCKING COCK INTO A MAN’S ASS. I don’t care how much they get around. The pain is still always there. The only way that there will be NO pain, and no need to prep is if they are one of those ones who get fisted on a regular basis. And in that case what’s the point of fucking them? Its like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

2. Preparation makes the world a happier place. You don’t want your bottom taking you to court for attempted rape charges? Then take the time to get them prepared properly. It doesn’t take too much effort to lube up their ass, figner them a bit before SLOWLY pushing in.

3. When you finally get your cock in. Wait a minute or so before you start pumping away. I know it feels good but it should also feel good for the bottom. Not blinding pain.

4. When the bottom is whimpering in pain and trying to move away from you, that is generally a sign that you should stop fucking them cause its REALLY not feeling good on their end. It is not a sign for you to grab them by the hips, place their hips back where you can fuck easily, and proceed to fuck harder.

5. Ok maybe this is just something for me only but when a person who is sucking you off only takes your cock head into his mouth and starts to jack you off frantically, that generally means “CUM DAMMIT!!! I’M GETTING LOCK JAW!!!!!”

These are just some things I have learned from the sexual experience that I had last night. I had not been fucked in 8 months. So yeah. Take how long its been since they had last had something in their ass into account before you start pounding.

On an end note. I don’t care if you are a total top and nothing goes near your ass. Go out there and get fucked once. That way you’ll know what the bottom actually feels instead of assuming that the moment your cock head brushes their hole that they are going to feel only pleasure.

Thanks all for reading.

The reason I am posting a blog about this perfectly normal mundane task, is because of one of the emails. In the email I found a rather naughty XXX rated image and chat logs. Again not out of the ordinary for me (I’m weird like that) what is causing me to write this blog is that the XXX image and the chat logs were from MJRM. Yes THAT guy. He who deserved reason #1 why I wish I was a lesbian. I had the chat logs of every chat we had from May1 to almost the end of the month. *sigh* I loved those times. Just me and him being happy. I smiled when I read them…..then I came to “them” the chat logs from JUST after we ended it. Now people reading this are probably wondering, “Why?  Why would you keep something like that?” Well here is the answer. I kept them because they were the first time anyone even remotely cared about me. Even after the break-up he didn’t want to know I was crying.

Sufficed to say I bawled my eyes out for a good 15 minutes. I think I needed that because I’ve been bottling up my negative emotions forever. I haven’t actually cried like that since the time period in the chat logs. So I guess I really needed it.

But to tell you that I spend 15 minutes crying is not why I’m posting this. Sadly not. Why I am posting this is because of what I did while I was crying. I went on my Facebook. Looked up MJRM (he doesn’t hide very well on facebook) and I wrote a quick letter to him saying that I had found his chat logs with me from when it happened and that I was crying and that I doubt he actually cared to read this message. Pretty much I was letting him know that he hurt me really badly and that it was still affecting me 9 months later.

After that purge of emotions last night and the stupid letter to him (I don’t know what I would do if he actually responded to it) I feel slightly better but I still wish I was a lesbian.

I shall refer to this guy as TJ. It’s the closest that I’ve ever gotten to actually giving out a persons name but I don’t care with this guy. That’s what he gets.

I started randomly chatting with TJ because he was cute as hell. I mean you look at him and you just want him. So I took the initiative and chatted with him. Turns out he was the one that Bicycle wanted me to have a 3some with him with. TJ was also only 18. Now I had just learned from him that he wasn’t talking to Bicycle anymore because Bicycle had freaked him out. I can’t say that I blame him. Bringing valentine’s chocolates along to a hook-up at the TJ’s grandparents apartment would freak me out as well. Particularly when they are only fuck buddies.

On March 1 I learned that I had to be moved out of my place so TJ offered to room with me when I got a place. We set down how much we could both afford etc and left it at that for a bit. After a couple weeks he disappeared. Why? Because TJ’s father had found out about his chats with me. Fearing going back to Ex-gay therapy. TJ stopped talking for a bit. I didn’t regain contact with him until Mid-End of April. I had developed a slight Crush on TJ by this point. I told him about it but yeah that didn’t go anywhere because, you guessed it, I “wasn’t his type.” I hurt for a bit after that let down and MJRM was really the only one that comforted me. I guess that’s why I fell for him. Rebounded onto him.

Me and TJ continued to talk on occasion. Not as much as we once did but he listened to me after my break-up with MJRM. Randomly in the middle of July though out of the blue I got a message sent to me on the website I met him on. TJ demanded that we needed to talk right now. I didn’t get it till the next morning because he sent it at like 1 am. Well I responded wondering what was up because I hadn’t done anything wrong to my knowledge.

I didn’t get a response short of being blocked. TJ had gone batshit crazy and made up some kind of reason beyond me to not talk to me. Its mostly false though I don’t know what it is. I figure its something along the lines of me talking about him and almost outing him or something. Sufficed to say he went Batshit crazy and I only talked to him once since then and that was when he took the pussy’s way out and said that he “had his reasons for blocking me and he didn’t need to tell them to me.” To me that tells me that he’s too proud and full of himself to actually tell me why he did what he did. That he didn’t have a real reason whatsoever. But like with most people I’m too nice to actually do anything like out him. This blog will be the closest that I ever get to doing that. And if TJ is reading this he’ll probably either snap and go batshit crazy again and demand answers, or he’ll just shrug it off. Either way he’s still the dumbest fuck that I know of. And let us hope that he treats those he calls friends now better than the ones he called friends before. Because he claims that he can be friends with people and just because he didn’t want to be friends with me doesn’t mean he can’t be a good friend. No its his pathological lying to stay in the closet and his disrespect for people that make him unable to be a good friend to anyone.

This guy is reason #4 that I wish I was a Lesbian.

I started talking to Jimmy because he was hot as fuck. I mean you can’t look at him without getting turned on. Male or Female. I talked to him sporadically for a few months, he would disappear, he would reappear. I went and had drinks with him. He came with me to crash a party at my cousin’s place .All around good times. He was a nice guy (loud but still nice) and anyone would be lucky to have him. I figured I could be that lucky guy. Apparently I’m not his type. I don’t really get the whole “type” thing. Particularly when a few months later (After dragging him to go see a musical) I learn that he is in a relationship. Well that killed my chances of being the lucky guy with him. But the kicker came when I asked who his BF was and he told me that there were pics of this guy on his facebook. I went to his facebook and looked. Low and behold I see the guy and think “um…..this guy is kinda like me. he’s tall. He wears glasses. What makes me different from this guy? Seriously? We are fairly similar looks wise.” So I sit there and start wondering “What the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t have someone and people find people similar to me? Its just a fucking piss off I’ll tell you that much”

Jimmy is Reason #3 as to why I Wish I Was A Lesbian

So I lost my chance with this guy. Sad for me but not as bad as most of them because instead of leading me on with all this stuff he told me right from the beginning that I wasn’t his type. Not that I figure that ANYONE knows what their type really is. It changes so much. I know mine has since I officially came out. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I’m NOBODY’S type? Seriously?

I first started talking to him on an adult site (same one I met “The Ex” on actually) he seemed like an ok guy. First thing he tried to do was actually try and get me to join him in a 3some with someone that will get his own blog at a later date. So Bicycle and I chatted. He was a nice enough guy. Though he never had time for you unless you wanted sex. And unlike Bicycle I don’t immediately jump into bed with people. So it wasn’t until March that I met him in person finally. 3 months after I started talking to him.

I was given a time limit the first time I met him. I was going to be kicked out by 7 pm because he had someone coming over so he could have sex with them. It is amusing when someone tells you to get the fuck out I need to go fuck someone. But whatever. I dealt with it. This lead to me figuring that he would be a good guy to take my bottoming Cherry. Biggest Mistake of my LIFE!

It started out fairly normal. Just went to his place but the moment we entered the door the shirts came off and he got me to start sucking his cock on his stairwell. Apparently he had never done that before. I don’t believe him now since he’s lied about so many things. We played on the stairs a bit before making our way up to his room. Apparently he’s not only a Bicycle but also a pig because he pretty much fucked me raw with no lube. He also never made the effort to pull out when he was cumming. Oh and did I mention that afterward he referred to me as the “Third Cherry on his mantle” and then when I got home my anus was bleeding. Oh and I was so swollen afterward that I couldn’t sit down for a week and the swelling took almost a month to go away. Not very pleasant for your first time. Second time was more amazing but yeah that was with The Ex.

I continued to chat with Bicycle because I figured he would be different. He apologized profusely for treating me like that (though I don’t think he was sorry at all). I think he has said Sorry to me for fucking up, more often than anyone else in his life. It was kind of pathetic so yeah I continued to talk to him. Sometime a month after the horrible first time sex he briefly mentioned a friend who had climbed all the way to the top of the Calgary Tower and back down a few times. I thought this was interesting. That was the first time that I learned of he who would become “The Ex”. Things deteriorated slowly with Bicycle. One week he was bragging about how he had unprotected sex with a random stranger at a “friend” of his’ ‘Dungeon’. A few days later he was freaking out because he figured he might have had Chlamydia. I don’t know how dumb this guy is because generally if something like that happens you DON’T continue to have unsafe sex. I even brought that up to him. His response to the question “Maybe this will make you wear a condom more?” “Maybe, Maybe not *insert winking smiley here*” I called him a bugchaser at this point because seriously who says that they will continue to have unprotected sex after they almost have an STI? He stopped talking to me at that point. Me and MJRM became closer during that time period.

Eventually Bicycle ended up chatting with me again. I don’t recall why I wanted to chat with him anymore but I did. he kind of obsessed over me getting MJRM to meet with him because we had met like 3 days prior. Now I wasn’t keen on sharing the guy I was slowly starting to like. So I didn’t invite him over but one day a couple days after me and MJRM had a drunken fling I finally got the two of them to meet to get Bicycle to shut the fuck up about it. Worst Mistake of my life. I knew that Bicycle was a slut and tried to sleep with anything with two legs. I didn’t learn until later that he actually had been wanting MJRM for himself before hand and that I had ruined that. The two of them tried to hang out alone but MJRM was texting me the whole time. Bicycle told me later that he “needed to be alone with him to be friends and they weren’t really alone if I was texting the whole time”. Me and MJRM made it official one day in May. The next day apparently they hung out without mentioning it to me. I didn’t learn until a few days after. Sufficed to say that started the mistrust for MJRM and the jealousy at the same time. But me and MJRM spent the night together that night so I probably glossed over it and didn’t care because of how happy I was.

I tended to forget that Bicycle existed during the brief time I was with MJRM. We chatted on occasion but not as much because I was spending most of my time with MJRM. Then “it” happened. The breakup. Bicycle didn’t really seem to care much. In typical fashion with him he cared only for himself. He barely listened to me when I was having a breakdown. He “needed a break” when a true friend would have listened to me no matter what. So that should have been my first sign about him.

I didn’t speak to him much. I offered my condolences when his Dad died but that was the extent of what I said to him. I was emotionally wrecked and just wanted MJRM back. I didn’t speak to him until sometime in August. I don’t know what possessed me to open the lines of communication but he was still the same selfcentered asshole that he was before and I chose to ignore it.

It was tumultuous during the fall. I spoke to him infrequently and when I did he would treat me pretty badly. I should have just said fuck it then and not talked to him anymore but I’m an idiot and continued to talk to him. I didn’t finally just say fuck it until sometime in January when I just deleted him on MSN. I didn’t block him because I’m not that type of person. He knows exactly what I think of him. He also knows exactly all that I know about him. He doesn’t seem to grasp the gravity of what I know. He would be living in the streets with NOTHING if I were more of an asshole like him.

Only two good things came from my association with Bicycle. I met the first person I would ever love and that was a good thing even though it ended because of Bicycle (He’ll deny anything to do with it to this very day). I also met my Bestie (who is probably reading this) and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I still sit at home some nights and think “What would my life be like right now had I not regained contact with Bicycle after he cut off with me for calling him a bugchaser? Would I still be with MJRM?” I’ll never know the answers to those questions. I just try and live day to day with my fuck-ups. Trying to keep a strong heart going. Its mostly put back together but a small piece of it is forever gone. That one belongs to MJRM and he doesn’t realize he has it but he does.

Bicycle is reason #2 that I wish I was a Lesbian.

MJRM lives in Red Deer, AB. As do I. I met him online on a website that I would prefer not to discuss right now. Sufficed to say I saw his picture and something inside of me clicked. I worked up some courage and I emailed him. He responded. We started emailing back and forth before we got each others phone numbers and started texting. We texted about 100 in a 3 day period one time. We talked on MSN. We texted. We emailed back and forth. Here is an exert from an email he sent to me.

“Well when i was first talking to you online i was more or less just doing it to have my first. But i need to like someone (not romantically just friendshipy) like someone to have sex. As you found out i am not a whore by any means, i am still friends with everyone i have had sex with and like them all.But than we met up and hung out twice, both shy as fuck, as for me EXTREMELY Nervous, and i thought you were cute. But i felt comfortable with you, as you could tell by my singing, and that doesn’t happen that often with me, and I think thats when i oddly enough first thought of it. Then on Friday we had our fling, and saturday we hung out very quietly. I was just thinking, about everything, and of course still nervous. I was starting to feel it a little bit more than, but on Sunday was when it became a little like butterflies in my stomach. When allison was over, and you texted me to come over i got happy. I wanted to tell alli that i had to go.. bye bye. But didnt want to be rude. Wow still can’t believe it has only been a week since we met. Than this week rolled around and i just like being around you. I got any of my confusion out of the way and still comfortable. So I don’t know exactly when i would officially have called it a crush. BUt the feelings have been there”

That was from an email sent to me 2 days before we decided to make it official. We lasted 3 of the happiest weeks in my entire life. I’ll never feel that way again for awhile at least. On June 5 he texted me after someone had started telling me rumour that could have been true telling me that our “relationship” was over. Its kinda harsh to emotionally destroy someone because they are jealous and mistrusting. Most people would be happy if you were jealous. It shows that you care about them deeply. And how easy is it to trust someone who is lying to everyone? You are in the closet. You are hiding me from everyone. That isn’t easy to trust fully. I trusted you to the extent that I could. Sorry I couldn’t do more. That would require me to actually not be some filthy secret you can’t tell anyone.

I have never outed him and I don’t eve intend to. That is why I avoided mentioning his name. But I needed to get all this off my chest. I hope someone out there is reading this and comments. And if you read this MJRM I still love you. You treated me like dirt after you ended it. I think you are the biggest ass on the planet. I want to ruin everything you have. But I still love you and I can’t stop. And you refuse to acknowledge me. Just as a tip. Having sex with me then breaking up with me doesn’t make it not exist. And if I were you I would hope to fucking hell that the Canadian Blood Services never finds out about you because you will be ruined. You will get sued for the cost of tracing where your donations went. You can’t lie your way out of that because if someone asks me about whether you had sex with me then I’m going to do the exact same thing as I did with you. I’ll tell them the whole truth. I won’t lie for you. That’s what you do. I don’t lie even if you don’t believe me.

This man is reason #1 that I wish I were a Lesbian.